I’ve spent a lot of my life to date worrying about what other people might think of me. I suppose I was under the impression that doing so would keep me safe.
I’d worry and worry about the real and perceived judgments that others may or may not have of me, and in turn, busied myself with judging the shit out of them as a counterpunch. I thought I was protecting myself. Instead, I was unknowingly keeping myself shackled to the ground.
I’ve found that self-consciousness, as a way of being, is extremely limiting.
My narcissistic self-concern was the product of a fundamental misunderstanding of how the human experience works. You see, at the time, I didn’t yet fully appreciate that the reality of my life as experienced by me is generated from inside myself.
I didn’t yet know that, deep within the labyrinth of my mind, I was constantly creating the outside world and then experiencing the outcome of my creation. Instead, I thought my experience was born out of the world outside of me. Armed with that understanding, I was relatively powerless: I was a victim to the happenstance of my life’s unfolding.
To understand the truth of this matter—to see that I am the creator of my own destiny—has been the single most impactful insight of my life.
False Humility
Until recently, I was terribly afraid of being seen by others as arrogant. In my mind, humility was a virtue, and arrogance a cardinal sin.
As a result, I spent a lot of time trying to actively curate an external perception of humility to minimize the likelihood that some might perceive me as arrogant. What I was actually doing, though, was playing much smaller than I was capable of, AND being inauthentic in the process.
The truth is that I’m great at a lot of things.
I’m a caring and loyal friend and brother, I can write like it’s nobody’s business and people listen when I speak, my brain dissects and solves problems with seeming ease, and based on my current fitness level, I could wake up on any given morning and run 15 miles with relative ease. What’s more, I am generous, loving, sexy, athletic, loving, kind, and a perfect combination of my mum and my dad.
Admittedly, I cringed writing that. My old thinking—the internal software I’d been developing for more 29 years—still kicks in every so often. I can feel the blood rushing into my cheeks as I type these words: that feeling used to be a sandbag weighing down my hot air balloon. Now, I know it actually means that I’m in the process of creating in the right direction.
The thing is, everything I said above I know to be true. Who am I not to step into my greatest?
Who am I to be quiet?
Stop Playing Small
I used to think that by playing small, that I was doing a service to others, because in so doing I was minimizing the likelihood that I’d make them insecure.
I can now see that this was false humility. My playing small, under the pretense that I can make anyone else feel anything, is the height of all arrogance. And in so doing, while I was worrying about how everyone around me might perceive my actions, I was engrossed in narcissistic self absorption. In those moments, all I’m thinking about is Adam and how this character’s actions may or may not affect others, as opposed to simply going out and smashing whatever it is that I’m doing like only I can.
Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, but simply thinking of yourself less!
If reading this pissed you off, or filled you up with judgment of me and my arrogance, then I’d bet that it’s ben a minute since you took the time to recognize how fucking great of a human being YOU are. This game isn’t relative, it’s absolute. We are all great in one way or another.
Not to step boldly and proudly into whatever it is that makes us great is not only a disservice to ourselves, but also, to the world and everyone around us.
We Are One Time Cosmic Events
I feel incredibly fortunate to have spent time getting to know Dan Levin last week at the Powerful Men’s Immersion I attended. He is one of the brightest-shining humans I’ve ever met. Dan is a loving father to two young kids, an amazing husband, and a brilliant writer.
One of his many talents is his command of language, and the beautiful simplicity with which he communicates ideas that often defy words.
At the immersion, he wrote this poem: a perfect encapsulation of false humility.
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Look how arrogant that Peacock is for showing its colors.
Look how arrogant that Flower is for blooming.
We live in a society of Peacocks and Flowers
Who have forgotten who they are.
How arrogant we are to think we know better than God.
God who created each of us as a one time cosmic event.
And to deny that is the ultimate arrogance.
Another very thoughtful post.
Good post Adam!